I currently have friends dealing with alcoholism, divorce, depression and many other issues. I often encourage friends with blogs to share their struggles along with the good news they’d normally share. Writing about things you’re going through makes you seem more relatable and even better, has a chance to help others.
Depression is my struggle. I’m genetically predisposed to it and have struggled off and on for about 17 years. Seventeen. Wow. I didn’t know that until I just had to compute it to write it here. That’s a long time.
It started as a side effect of some medicine I’d been prescribed the last semester of my senior year of high school. I didn’t connect my depressed feelings with the timing of the medicine and just thought that issues I was dealing with at home were to blame. It wasn’t until I was a freshman in college, had been to a few counselors and tried several things that it occurred to me that it could be the meds. I quit the meds and got better right away. At that point, I’d already lost all of the scholarships I’d worked so hard to get. Left to now pay for my own college tuition, I accrued $65,000 in student loan debt.
Then I had Payton and post-partum set in. It wasn’t debilitating but it was definitely a dark cloud that had settled over me for about a year. I was also a 20-year-old single mother who was working and going to college. I’m lucky it wasn’t worse.
After that, I had issues off and on with anxiety and depression, namely when I stayed home and didn’t work. I’m an extrovert and really like the stimulation of being surrounded by people, using my brain and having things to work on. Being at home meant depression. Working meant no depression. I’ve known women who were the opposite. When people proclaim what moms should do (work vs. stay at home), I wonder if they think about things like that.
Then I had Blake and the mother of all depressions set in. For the first time in my life, I was suicidal and really could not imagine life going on with me in it. I would lay in bed and tell myself “I can’t do this.” Thankfully, I never had scary thoughts toward the kids but just a general feeling of not being able to continue to live. Andy was super helpful with the kids and tried to help as much as possible but I’m not sure there was anything he could have done to fix it. I got on some meds which kept me from wanting to jump off of a bridge but didn’t bring me back.
My normal self loves news, always helped with paying bills/financial stuff, and loved spending time w/Andy. During this time, I refused to have anything to do with the finances, instead of news I memorized MTV videos and I didn’t want to be around Andy. I was not myself. Again, it took a year to get past. As I was cleaning off the kitchen counters to get ready for Blake’s 1st birthday party, the last thing I picked up was the folder I’d been given in the hospital. One whole year. A year that caused a lot of damage. Being married to somebody with depression is hard.
I remained on meds for years after that because I was afraid it would come back. Six years to be exact. I read an article that discussed the effects of being a child of a depressed parent and I desperately wanted to avoid affecting my kids if I could.
After several years, I finally did go off of the meds and felt fine without them. I didn’t intend to stop taking them; there was a mixup with the refill once and by the time I got the refill again, I realized I was doing ok without. That was about 2 years ago.
I’ve been mostly ok since. I do have periods of darkness. I tell Andy about these every time. I need him to help me monitor and know when it’s gone too far. Most recently, I was struggling after moving back to Texas. The adrenaline and newness had died down and I found myself alone all day in an apartment and it was dark in my head. Very dark. I decided that I was just having trouble adjusting to the changes in my job and not having much of a structure. I started running again, I figured out a new flow with my job, I make plans so I have things to look forward to.
For now, this seems to be working but I’m always aware, always watching to make sure it’s something I can handle. It might not always be but as the child of somebody who has struggled with depression, I owe it to my kids to make sure I don’t linger in the darkness.
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What a powerful story! Especially the connection about working/stay-at-home moms and depression. A good friend of mine struggles with depression, and when she had kids she became almost homebound. Her husband wanted her to work at least part-time to get some social interaction in, but she said she couldn’t do it. She turned into a ghost of her former self.
She recently went back to work after being at home for 5 years and her life is dramatically better. It can be vicious cycle – the depression keeps you from going out, and staying in keeps you from inching out of the depression. I’m sure work isn’t the answer to every form of depression, but in her case it was.
I had never looked at it that way before, so thank you for sharing your story.
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Thanks, Betsy. I think the working mom/stay-at-home mom thing seemed to strike a chord with many.
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Kudos to you for sharing your story. As you well know, I’ve struggled, too. And, I can see the connection to working/staying home. I battle with the darkness and monotony of staying home…..much harder than I ever experienced working.
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Thanks for this post. I enjoy your writing and your willingness to be transparent. I found it, and your blog, by searching for “depression” on twitter. I went to the doctor this morning and asked him to prescribe some kind of anti-depressant for me, for the first time ever. I have struggled with this off and on for years and finally realized that it would be okay to get a pill that might help me.
I am self-employed, and have a husband and two sons. So I am working, but still I’m at home. While I enjoy our business the set-up is not as idyllic as it may sound. I probably don’t get as much interaction with people as I need, and I get little escape from everything home – laundry, dishes, kids.
Anyhow, thanks for sharing your experiences. I hope that my outlook can improve and I can once again appreciate all the blessing I have.
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Shannon Reply:
December 1st, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Hilary,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m so glad to have posted this just knowing it may have helped you alone. You’re right that it is ok to have a pill if you need it. When people have diabetes, they don’t have shame in taking insulin. I’m not sure why depression should be any different. I would encourage you to supplement the meds with lifestyle adjustments that might help as well – getting outside for a while every day, meeting somebody for lunch, etc. I totally get how you’re feeling but also know it will get better. Keep in touch.
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Hi, Shannon! Haven’t seen you in forever…just wanted to thank you for sharing your story on depression. I’ve struggled with it for 9 years, have been suicidal multiple times, but just this year went on an anti-depressant (the light switch went off in my head “duh, this is depression; I have tried everything and I can’t do it on my own”). It’s hard to describe to people what I’m going through. A girl said, “but, Mindy, you’re so chipper.” It seemed like such an ignorant statement but she didn’t know better. Of course I’m chipper, that’s my personality. But at home, you don’t want to cross me if I can’t find matching socks!
I’ve neglected to blog about my struggle, THUS FAR, because my parents read it. There’s a part of me wanting to protect them from any guilt. At the same time, I know there’s some weird chemical stuff going on in my brain that they could have never helped.
Hope to connect next time you’re around.
M
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Shannon Reply:
December 1st, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Hi Mindy.
I had no idea this was also an issue for you. You and Casey (who previously commented) both have similarly upbeat, charming blogs but share struggles and a lack of desire to discuss them on your blogs due to family reading. As a mom, I would be heartbroken to read my child speaking about suffering with depression but whether parents like it or not, that doesn’t make it any less true. There are many topics I don’t discuss publicly due to my family but depression is one that’s very open for us since my mom’s struggled with it for a long time. I hope you’ll be able to share your story on your blog sometime and I hope the meds are helping you.
As a side note since this seems to have stricken a chord with some: did you notice a difference when you decided to stay home?
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Good question, Shannon. Yep, I noticed a difference. I am career-minded, but really, really want to be the primary caregiver for Wilder, at least for a little while. Certainly not until he’s 12 or anything, but in these wee little years, I am selfish and want my time with him. Oftentimes I feel ill-suited for the job–I hate cleaning and am not the best at playing with trucks. And I MISS WORK.
To go back to my answer, yes, I did notice a difference. My career had me busy and engaged in the community, and while I still maintain a steady social life, it’s not the same. The depressive tendencies came back in full force, in a handicapping way, just this year. While staying home has pulled me from using my full “brain power” it’s also allowed me more time to be introspective, to read, write, make new friends, create. So perhaps that is when I was able to decipher “oh my gosh, this is depression, (it literally didn’t click until this year)” because I am paying more attention to who I am as a person and how I effect Wilder. I am so glad the medicine takes the edge off, but I’m a little nervous about going off of it someday. Will I be able to cope?
I wish I had that same openness with my mom; she’s living in a foggy world of denial…
Questions: how much of this struggle is circumstantially driven?
have you gotten involved with any support groups?
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:43 am
Mine is often circumstantial but not driven by big life events like the death of a family member or something like that. It’s usually based on what my daily living is like and the stress levels associated with everyday life.
Support groups aren’t really my thing. It could be a whole other blog post but I generally think when people gather over something negative that it often makes the negative thing worse. Like the more you cater to something, the more room it has to grow. It’s the same philosophy held by doctors like Dr. John Sarno who has written several books on the topic. His philosophies are mostly about back/neck pain but I think can be applied to just about anything.
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Wow, Shannon. This is so well written, but also a topic that I have struggled with for a loooong time. A topic close to my heart. I’ve never really discussed depression with someone that can articulate the battle as well as you have done here… it’s such an elusive thing to the people that suffer from it and those around them. This is something that I don’t struggle with on a daily basis anymore, but I worry about post partum triggering it when I have kids one day, as you describe. And I would never have guess this is something you struggle with… thank you for writing this. It gives me strength.
Karen
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 2:43 am
Thanks, Karen.
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What amazing courage, Shannon! It is funny how people (often women) don’t talk openly about what is happening to them emotionally, physically, etc. We, women, are suppose to be the stong ones. The ones who everyone else looks to for support, love, and encouragement; where often times we struggle to find those emotional needs fulfilled for ourselves. Thanks for sharing! I always enjoy your blogs. Do them more often.
Em
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:48 am
Thanks, Emily. I’m blogging every day of December so your wish is granted!
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Shannon, thanks for having the courage to write this…. I’m the only guy, so far, that has commented, but I just wanted to drop a quick note thanking you. You (and your reader’s comments above) have made me think about a few things that have just given me some “Ah-ha” moments. Thanks so much, stay strong, and be well.
- Ed
@EdCabellon
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 5:29 am
Thanks, Ed.
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Shan,
I love your bravery to post something so personal. It inspires me to be more transparent when I write on my blog. There have been many things going on in my life in the past year that I’ve wanted to write about only to keep silent for fear that my need to to “talk about” what’s going on might harm those I love around me. I applaude the way you managed to talk about how this affected the DH and your kids but somehow, still protected them. Thanks for inspiring me.
Lisa
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Shannon Reply:
December 2nd, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Thanks, Lisa. That’s nice of you to say.
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Wonderfully written.
I realized a while back that I have had been depressed and ignoring it since, well, I was 14. I’ve been on meds off and on for a while. And I have to say that Mindy’s comment about someone saying “But you’re so chipper!” is what I run into all the time. Even my counselor said “well you haven’t cried in a couple of sessions so I think you’re good to go” (I’m paraphrasing but he did in fact say that bit about not crying). So! Since I didn’t weep for a couple of weeks I was cured. And really I wasn’t I know I have more issues and I wonder if he was just trying to keep me from becoming dependent on him to keep me going.
I loved being at home with my boy. I just had to go back to work after 3 years and it is good. I like being around people but it depends on the situation. I am not an office person. I can’t stand it. But I love and for some reason thrive in a retail situation. So my depression while I’m not on meds has gotten better. I keep getting told to get out an exercise but that’s not happening. (I’m lazy!) I didn’t want to go back to work, I was actually pretty happy being at home. But work is a good distraction!
I originally started my blog to be about my depression and my working through it and what not, but it got depressing for me to write/read it. (wow)
My whole family could technically be diagnosed as depressed. My mom just finally came to the realization that either she needed meds or my dad did to survive. And since my dad is too stubborn to do it, she’s doing it. Which I think is wonderful. It is about figuring out what you can do on your own and realizing when you can’t do it by yourself.
Again good post! Sorry for the blog comment!!
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Shannon Reply:
December 4th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Thanks for your comment, Randa. Your comment on your blog about depression being depressing reminds me of my comment about support groups having the same effect. It’s nice to have support and help working through stuff but not if it makes you wallow in it for longer than necessary.
Good luck to you and your family in trying to get better.
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