Shannon’s tips on raising kids who win awards

Last Friday, we got together with some high school classmates for a couple of drinks and to get caught up on each others lives. It’s always a gamble how it’s going to go because we’ve all chosen different paths. Some never left towncontinue to love the small town charm, some have lived all over, various careers and family choices. You just never know.

One thing that was part of our conversation was some stories being told about people’s kids being sent to the principal’s office. The story was told in the context of “hahaha. Isn’t that funny?” to which I replied “you’re speaking a different language. I’d be mortified.”

I wish I could laugh at the kids missteps. Every single time they do something that I think is morally reprehensible, my mind goes to the worst: they are going to end up in prison.

I know it’s dramatic but I’m just sure of it every time. I tell myself that I shouldn’t think that way but then I ask myself “so, what did prisoners to when THEY were kids? I’m betting it was THIS.”

My extreme sensitivity to their behavior has meant that they are actually really great citizens at school. Payton won the most character awards in her school last year where the kids nominate people for qualities like honesty, friendship, etc. She won the most.

And then this school year, Blake won Student of Virtue. Not “Nerdiest Kid in Second Grade” or “Best at Math.” Student of freaking Virtue.

The award goes to just 1 student in the class every 6 weeks. He also won for A Honor Roll, Citizenship and whatever else they were handing out. (Except for perfect attendance due to mommy taking him out for a couple of days to go to Disneyland. Oops.)

Andy and I are happy when the kids win stuff for being good people but our immediate reaction is “seriously? The other kids must be TERRIBLE.”

So, given how we must be masters at raising kids who others think are good citizens, I present Shannon’s Tips on Raising Kids Who Win Awards:

• Never let them think they are good enough. Kids with good self-esteem might stand up for themselves and talk back. They’ll never win anything by expressing opinions.
• Always joke about Drug Free Week. It’s absurd.
• Model good behavior. Like drinking wine several nights a week to deal with the stress of family. Wait, don’t do that.
• Teach them about giving. Take them shopping and tell them to pick out their most favorite things and then afterward tell them it’s ALLL for somebody else. They might cry but we’re trying to teach lessons and win awards here.
• Ok, maybe you buy them their favorite stuff sometimes but occasionally remove all belongings from their room and make them earn them back. If giving stuff away to other kids didn’t teach them gratitude, this will.
• When they receive gifts, make sure they always say “thank you” and ACT grateful. If not, cancel the next holiday until they can get the routine of acting thankful down.
• Let them lie sometimes. It’s called “creativity.”
• If your kid has a potty mouth, it’s your fault. Watch your mouth, damnit.
• Don’t reward or punish for school behavior or accomplishments. That’s the teacher’s job.
• If all else fails, bribe them.

If you follow these techniques, your kids may end up in therapy but they’ll be surrounded by all of the awards they’ve accumulated and that’s what’s important. Sanity never got anybody into Harvard.

Related posts:

1. OK, maybe they won’t go to prison
2. 10 reasons why I like older kids more than younger ones
3. Meeting Payton’s teachers
4. Parents vs. kids volleyball game

Tagged as: Kids